


words i cough up when i feel like it

by Gathering_Stars



Category: any fandom, poetry that can describe many things
Genre: Distance, Fear of losing, Fools, Hanahaki Disease, History, Laughter, Moving On, Other, Poetry, Rejection, Unknown Love, different topics, free poetry, loving too late, more tags will be added as more poems are composed, random poetry drabbles written in class, sadness over forbidden love, words of dedication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2018-08-21 21:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8261327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gathering_Stars/pseuds/Gathering_Stars
Summary: full of words whispered in raspy breaths, thoughts that fill your head for days, and stories that you just can't leave unwritten.





	1. laughter

**Author's Note:**

> free poetry composed when i have free time. about multiple topics. enjoy.

The laughter you bring with you

Is highly contagious

It chases away the feeling that is blue

And makes me feel courageous

 

* * *

 

 

The sun shines brighter when I'm with you

And our laughter fills the air

Nothing can destroy our friendship so true

And I smile as I idly play with your hair

 

* * *

 

 

Somehow when you are happy

I feel happy too

Even if I felt grumpy

Your smile brings me happiness anew

 

* * *

 

 

But all lights must be put out

That's how nature is

And so I cry out, with a shout

That nobody wins

 

* * *

 

 

There are tears running down my face as I say,

_"Will your laughter stick with me for the rest of my days?"_


	2. the petals in the wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hanahaki disease.

The petals that fly in the wind

Flitter between the strands of your hair

In my mind, your painful words have been pinned

If I said I coughed up these petals, would you even care?

 

* * *

 

Hanahaki, it is by name

A certain type of uncommon sickness

An unrequited love is to blame

When the person endures love's painful thickness

A flower blooms within, like a sparked flame

And they vomit petals, a homage to love's wickedness

 

* * *

 

 

They say that love can kill

But in this case, it really can

Once your throat has had its fill

Of petals that stick in it that cannot be removed by hand

Surgery can be undertaken to remove the sprout

But the love of the person you must do without

But alas, love makes people foolish and blind

And so they'd rather the flowers take over their mind

Than have their feelings gone forever.


	3. unknown.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as much as my heart loves you, you're still as cold as ice.

Unknown to you

Are my feelings.

Coloured with shades of blue

And red that leave me reeling.

Pastels and white 

Also colour this blight

And if my heart were to take flight

It would fly with you in its sight

 

* * *

 

 

These feelings are secret 

For nobody knows

Hidden within a thing like a thicket

And beautiful, but painful like a rose

 

* * *

 

 

Blood drops stain white snow scarlet

And tears fall from my eyes

And as much as my heart loves you

You're still as cold as ice

 

* * *

 

 

My last thoughts as flowers fade and winter starts to thin

_"Though you may push me away, my heart has a place for you within."_

 

 


	4. hope does not touch the hearts of fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love really does make people fools.

The sun melts away

The wintery snow

And love's gentle sway

Hits me so

 

* * *

 

 

You sweep me off my feet

And leave me breathless

My knees always feel weak

And the butterflies in my stomach cause me sickness

 

* * *

 

 

You're my entire world

And I'm happy when I'm with you

I want to hear your every word

And love you with my love so true

 

* * *

 

 

But there's a missing piece

Just a little flaw

These feelings I can't release

Because for me you do not fall

 

* * *

 

 

Love really does make people fools

For your heart is so easy to lose

To someone who doesn't deserve it.


	5. before it was too late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its negligence brought its demise.

Cute little petals get blown by the wind

And my heart longs for you

It's as if it is paper thin

And along with the cold wind, it flew

 

* * *

 

 

Onto a grave adorned with flowers it lands

Not being ripped or torn

For it was as if it was placed there by gentle hands

And on the grave with flowers, it mourns

 

* * *

 

 

A little paper thin heart that is easy to break

Was once as cold as ice

This little heart had loved too late

And the other it loved would never again open their eyes

 

* * *

 

 

It regrets its mistakes

And on its own, it cries

Now, itself it hates

For its negligence brought its demise.


	6. i'm a stupid fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but i still fell for you.

Roses are red  
Violets are blue  
I'm a stupid fool  
But I still fell for you


	7. cursed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why are we cursed this way?

 

 

why am i cursed this way?

 

 

to always give my heart to someone

 

who'll just push it away?

 

 

doesnt fate think that i should have a chance at happiness?

 

 

or does it think

 

that i should always have my heart broken

 

by falling for someone

 

who'll never catch it?

 

* * *

 

 

why is life cruel this way?

 

 

why cant we all find someone who'll accept our love

 

and return their own?

 

 

why cant we find someone who'll catch us when we fall

 

and help us up again?

 

* * *

 

 

this curse has been bestowed upon all humans

 

 

to endure the pain of falling and crashing

 

 

until they find someone

 

 

who'll save them and break their fall

 

 

and if they never find someone like that

 

  
then they are doomed to staying broken on  the ground

 

 

forever

 

 

 

 

 

(unless they never fell in the first place, which in that case, good for them.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear i love someone and it hurts because they're already happy with someone else but i can't stop loving them and i just wish the pain would go away. ;;
> 
> (taken from a conversation i had with a close friend of mine who i will disguise as soukoku.)


	8. rejected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it hurts.

It's painful to see

The person you love

Look at another person with glee

As away from them you are shoved

 

* * *

 

 

It's called "rejection of the heart"

A somewhat painful reply

The reply of the person you love plays a big part

In breaking your fragile little heart

 

* * *

 

Only the courageous can confess

And only the strong survive

Probably living a life of loneliness

Where no love can thrive

 

* * *

 

The love of the other person I lack

To a broken heart this lead

"Go" was all he said

And so I turned and never looked back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do i still like him when i know we're not meant to be?


	9. moving on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> now i've gotten up onto my feet.

There was once a time

Where love was blind

And silent as a mime

I kept you on my mind

 

* * *

 

My heart longed for you, deeply

I've fallen very far

And though loving someone as amazing as you seems easy

Accepting the fact that you do not like me back is hard

 

* * *

 

But now I've gotten up onto my feet

And my love for you is gone

And whenever we shall meet

I can say that of you I am no longer fond

 

* * *

 

My heart has been broken

But now it is healed

And memories of my love for you, a last token

Will forever away be sealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to polar bear and dragon trainer. loving both of you was an experience i'll never forget, even if you never liked me back.


	10. forbidden.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love does hurt, that's just how it is.

Love hurts

For most times it is not allowed

In the deepest part of the heart it lurks

And the bitterness within, it will shroud

 

* * *

 

Though love at times may be forbidden

You are allowed to hope

And hoping is a task easily forgiven

For it may be something used to cope

 

* * *

 

With all the sorrows that come with loving

There is a shred of light

It's the fact that caring

So much can lift you out of a blight

 

* * *

 

Love does hurt, that's just how it is

But always it is worth

Even if it seems like the pain always wins

Because gathered in their eyes is all the mirth

I lack in my life.


	11. space.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how much distance is between me and you?

Space. Something I wish never existed. Something I wish did not separate the two of us. Space.

There are different kinds:

 

The physical space— how much distance is between me and you. Measured using steps, centimeters, inches, feet. Distance.

The many steps you take going towards the front of the room, and then to the back where I am seated. The few strides it takes you to get to the space behind my seat when someone sitting next to or near me calls you over.

In that moment you are so close to me, and the space between us diminishes to mere millimeters. Sometimes, there is no space at all. There are times where you reach out to touch me, to pat my head or shoulders, to hold my hand. There are other times where you just happen to accidentally brush your hand or arm by mine.

It is in these moments my heart pounds and I pray that the moment both passes by quickly and at the same time lasts forever.

* * *

 

Then we have personal space— how close we are yet still so far away from each other. Measured in exchanged smiles, fleeting glances, words said. Close.

The way you are with them who sit at the very back of the room, how you laugh and talk with them. The way I wish you are with me just like you are with them.

It is in those moments where I wish to exchange more than just glances with you. Where I want to exchange smiles and laughter, so many and so often that I can no longer count those moments with my fingers. Where I want to exchange stories and woes and worries and problems, and where I can only dream of you giving me advice or perhaps comforting me, in the same way you have done with others. And although I know our level of close, our permitted distance has a clear line, a boundary I dare not cross and would never do so, I hoped that at least we’d become as close as the boundary permits us to.

But in these moments that I dare to dream, hope, wish, I am brought back down to earth, to the crushing, painful reality that none of these things I yearn for will ever become mine to hold.

It is foolish of me to think that someone like you would ever want to talk to me. It’s an impossible idea— the kind that, no matter which way you look at it, it just doesn’t make any sense.

Because of this, I’ve learnt not to ask of so much from you. I’ve learnt to bite back all my words, all my emotions. I’ve learnt to accept that the space dividing us will keep on dividing us, no matter what I do. After all, am I not just like the space between us; _am I not just nothing to you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to falcon: you opened my eyes, you became my atlas. you were a light in a world so dark, a light that i will always and forever be grateful for. i know you will never read this (in fact, part of me is grateful that you will never get to read this), so my affections for you will be left unknown. but i hope that, to you, my gratitude was never left unspoken.
> 
> thank you for healing my heart in ways no one else could.


	12. history

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the battlefield is brutal, and the smoke covers the stars.

“History repeats itself” is a line too often said

Such examples of this phenomenon are events, that in history books can be read

Or the sad fate that has befallen me,

To love those which with whom I can never be.

 

* * *

 

 

When people think of history, they usually think of war

Where the battlefield is brutal and the smoke covers the stars

But they don’t know that there are wars everyday that start

Deep within my conflicted, broken heart.

 

* * *

 

 

I’ve once loved someone who had never loved me back

And after I moved on, I promised myself I wouldn’t go down the exact same track

But after I met you, that promise I broke

“ _And history has repeated itself once more_ ”, I said to myself as my heart broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to book. it has been well over a year since we last talked like we used to. and while i know i am not supposed to, i dreadfully miss those talks. many a night i have spent awake, my mind filled with thoughts of you. for 2 years. can you believe that? that i loved you for 2 years?
> 
> but now the time has come and im setting myself free. maybe not entirely: i still feel some flutters around you, but it is never quite the same. and i think that maybe the time has come for you to set yourself free from your negativity.
> 
> you'll never read this, but please know that i am always here for you— just like you once were always there for me.


	13. words.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i pick three short ones and hold them out to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for mentions of what appears to be self harm (it isnt exactly though, but if it makes you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip this.)

Page upon page fill my room. Pages of nothing but words, words, words. Words I all wrote down just for you. Words that stem from my mind, my heart, the reaches of my very soul. These are words I painstakingly drew out from my feelings, my emotions, from the very things that make up who I am.

 I took a knife to my arms and cut through the skin, the words spilling out of my open wounds. I hurt myself just so you could hear all the things I long to say to you.

 It hurts so bad but finally,  _finally_ , the many words trapped inside me— words enough to fill up dozens and dozens of pages —are free.

 Most of these words come from songs I’ve listened to that remind me of you, from poems and verses and chapters and lines I’ve written and spoken and thought of that are all dedicated to you. I’ve been collecting these words for a very long time, building them up more and more over the course of many months where I fell deeper and deeper in love with you. I waited for the right moment to set them free, to release them from their prison within me, within my heart.

 With all these words scattered and flying around us, I pick three short ones and hold them out to you. In my heart, I hope, I dearly,  _dearly_ , hope that one day you’ll hold them out to me too.

 Those words are “ _I love you_ ”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another one to book. 
> 
> i made you a book full of beautiful words as a farewell gift. i painstakingly took my time in cutting the paper i used for the pages, in finding the perfect words to write, in writing those words and decorating them lovingly with paint, and finally, sewing the entire thing together, binding it with care and hope, the same kind i always thought you deserved so much of.
> 
> i wonder: do you still have it?


End file.
